CAN YOU PLEASE READ AND CRITIQUE THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY BOOK

CAN YOU PLEASE READ AND CRITIQUE THE FIRST CHAPTER OF MY BOOK?
‘Don’t forget your deodorant!’ Mom cried from downstairs. ‘I won’t!’ I screamed back. I was in a panicked rush, throwing drawers of clothes into my brown duffle bag. I quickly dashed to the bathroom, adjacent to my room, to grab my toothbrush, toothpaste, and of course, my deodorant. ‘HURRY UP!’ Dad shouted. I shoved my toiletry bag into my duffle, grabbed my rucksack and made a dash for the door. By the time I reached downstairs and grabbed my keys everyone was already waiting outside. ‘Let’s go!’ I said, inserting the key into the lock of my truck. I drove so quickly that I nearly missed the turnoff to the airport. All my classmates were waiting outside, glowing with excitement. I jumped out of the truck, grabbed my bag from the bed of the truck and ran towards them. ‘Love you honey! Have fun!’ mom shouted, instantly embarrassing me. I simply waved back not wanting to attract anymore unwanted attention. This was the day my whole class patiently waited for. We were going to Hawaii for our graduation trip. Mr. Moore, our chaperone, who was also our homeroom teacher, quickly did a headcount and checked us all in. While we were walking to the security checkpoint I noticed a group of what looked to me like Pakistanis. ‘I hope they’re not on our flight’ I whispered to Jeff, my best friend since kindergarten. ‘You and I both’ he said in a serious tone. Security was a nightmare. I got beeped twice and was subjected to a pat down. Of course, they found nothing. I wasn’t that stupid or desperate for money to smuggle drugs or anything. By the time we reached the departure lounge it was twelve p.m. and our flight was leaving soon. ‘I’m gonna get some snacks, anyone wanna come with?’ ‘I’ll come’ Hannah said with a little more enthusiasm than necessary. It had been a well known fact that she had a crush on me. It was quite flattering really that a girl, who was mentally stable, was interested in me. Secretly, I also had a crush on her but was too afraid to ask her out. Hannah bought a three litre bottle of spring water and five strings of beef jerky. I wanted to ask why she bought so much but that may have offended her. I purchased one of those airplane blankets and a sixteen ounce bag of sour gummy worms. We were stopping in San Diego first then continuing on to Honolulu. The flight to California was longer than I expected. I had to sit next to Dante for four hours and was forced to endure his collection of vulgar rap songs. While the flight attendant was handing out complimentary beverages I noticed that the ‘Pakistanis’ were on the plane. I hoped they wouldn’t be continuing on to Honolulu like we were. I felt sort of guilty for being so paranoid about them. I was being racist, but how couldn’t I be? Nine-eleven had happened just a year ago and images of planes crashing into sky scrapers were still fresh in everyone’s mind. ‘You’re being ridiculous’ I said to myself. When we arrived in San Diego, Mr. Moore did another headcount. We had two hours to kill before the eight hour flight. Me, Hannah, Greg, and Jeff decided to go get something to eat, the others didn’t want to risk eating before flying. The BLT I ordered was awful. The bread was hard as rock and the bacon tasted off. Hannah and Greg’s cheeseburgers appeared to be undercooked and were ice cold. Jeff played it safe, at least he thought, and ordered an order of French fries. He spit out the first one he put in his mouth. ‘God, these are awful!’ Jeff stated, throwing the rest in the garbage bin. ‘It’s airport food, what do you expect?’ I asked. Jeff shrugged his shoulders and we all walked back to the group, disappointed. We spent the remainder of the time listening to music, reading magazines, and chatting. ‘Flight 1-5-5-1 to Honolulu now boarding through departure gate thirty one’ a woman said on the intercom. ‘Honolulu, here I come!’ Mr. Moore said making all of us laugh. He was everyone’s favourite teacher because he was so laid back and entertaining. We walked, boarding pass in hand, to the gate with anticipation in every step. I was imagining lying on the black sand beach already. My heart dropped when I noticed the ‘Pakistanis’ in our line. ‘It’s nothing’ I whispered to myself. This was the biggest plane I have ever been on. It was a Boeing 777, that’s what it said on the safety card anyway. I was in seat 22A next to Hannah, Greg and to my relief, an emergency exit. I always liked sitting next to the emergency exit. I also noted that there was a life raft above Hannah. It seemed like an eternity that the plane stayed idle on the tarmac but eventually we began backing up. I said my prayers, as I did before any flight, and covered myself with the blue blanket I had just purchased. ‘Do you mind?’ Hannah asked tugging at the large blanket with a flirty smile. ‘Not at all’ I answered.
Books & Authors - 2 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
i liked it. i want to know now if the story is about a plane that is going to be taken over. it seems good, well written for the most part. keep on going :)
2 :
Its good. But it IS a little racist. But your writing is good, good description but not too many un-needed details :) The only thing is that I don't know the characters name.